Words 'Royal' and 'baby' only acceptable in potato context

24-07-13

BRITONS have been told to stop using the words ‘Royal’ and ‘baby’, to avoid destroying them by overuse.

Infant vegetables

Infant vegetables

Anyone using those terms for anything other than potato description will incur an £800 fine.

A government spokesman said: “We need to make the euphoria from this event last as long as possible because we can’t afford another Olympics.

“Therefore, we ask ordinary people to reserve the use of the R-word and the B-word for David Cameron’s exclusive use unless they’re in the market for Jersey Royals, baby potatoes or indeed King Edwards.

“The public has been asked to avoid the phrase royally screwed, the use of the word baby as an endearment and any use of the word king.

Chef Julian Cook said: “Does this include ‘king’ as in, ‘stinking’, ‘bollocking’ and ‘fucking’?

“If so that is unacceptable and will make communicating with my kitchen team virtually impossible.

“Diana would not have banned swearing, she was a woman of the people who understood cursing.”

Following the ban, BBC’s Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell is communicating his reports to camera by combining sign language, mime, and subtle-but-complex eyebrow movements.

The government spokesman said: “Additionally, anyone who wishes to use the term ‘parasite’ is only permitted to do so when discussing Leptinotarsa decemlineata, the Colorado potato weevil.”

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