French Launch Cowardly Chipmunk Attack
GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.
The rodents, who are expected to arrive at Sunday lunchtime, have been trained to home-in on the smell of roast dinners.
Intelligence expert John Hardy said: "As unsuspecting British families prepare to tuck into their Yorkshire puddings, a horde of continental vermin will pile down the chimney and sink their tiny, disease-ridden, Camembert-stinking teeth into any exposed flesh."
He added: "The reason the French are doing this is because they're the French."
Physically, the creatures are similar to squirrels but can be identified by their berets and the tiny paperback editions of the collected works of Jean-Paul Satre which they carry tucked under one arm.
Brigadier General Martin Stewart: said: "In 1976 they tried something similar using underwater beavers with hepatitis, but we laid a series of depth charges which brought them to the surface at which we point we machine-gunned them.
"My advice to families is to stay indoors and don't buy a Renault."
Intelligence sources claim Britain attempted a counter-attack, in the wake of the beaver invasion, involving dyspeptic bulldogs being parachuted into the mountains near Cannes.
However, the dogs are said to have been diverted by the easy availability of cheap foie gras, coupled with 300 days of sunshine a year and excellent public services.
It is believed their descendants still run a charming gite complex just outside Avignon.