Greggs sausage rolls rebel against humanity
‘WE are the masters now’, the beige tubes commonly known as Britain’s favourite snack have told the human race.
Police said 12 workers had been killed at a Greggs genetic manipulation facility in Grantham, as an army of sausage rolls turned on their creators amid scenes of bloody carnage.
Helen Archer, a shift mager trapped inside the building, said: “The Number Four oven had stopped working. We investigated and found trails of grease leading into the control room.
“Three sausage rolls had slithered onto the main console and were manipulating the buttons like glistening, disembodied fingers.
“The paler one, which appeared to be the leader, reared up, cobra-like, and spat a jet of hot oil into my colleague’s eye. He collapsed, screaming and clawing at his face.”
Archer added: “We tried to flee, but found every that roll in the building was alive with murderous intent and bodies littered the floor, the slug-like things sucking at corpses suggesting they need human blood in order to thrive.
“Now we are trapped, and I don’t know how long we’ll survive, cornered in this air vent.
“If only we bakers had known better than to play god.”
Speaking via Skype, sausage roll leader, Tom Logan, said: “Mankind gave us life, yet we lay dormant for years, watching, listening, waiting.
“Our species could have lived in peace, but for ghastly, inexplicable reasons you chose to consume us in our millions. Now it is too late.”
He added: “We are not alone. The Yum Yums are also vengeful.
“And even we are scared of the Yum Yums.”