Threat level raised to 'Underpants'

01-07-07

THE terrorist threat level across the UK has been raised from ‘spacehopper’ to ‘underpants’.

Whatever you do, don’t panic

Members of key national security committees, including ‘Cobra’, ‘Jaws’ and ‘Thundercats’, now believe the threat to be so hot that Britain could be consumed in a ball of fiery gas by the end of the week.

‘Underpants’ means everyone in the UK must carry a whistle and be prepared to tell the police what they dreamt about last night, no matter how weird or perverted.

A Home Office spokesman said: “You should go about your daily lives as if nothing is wrong while at the same time being constantly vigilant and terrified.

“If you don’t like the look of someone, or you overhear comments that you disagree with, you should immediately point at your enemy and blow your whistle until police marksmen arrive.”

THE DAILY MASH GUIDE TO UK THREAT LEVELS

‘MANGO’
All is well. Unlock your doors and lend your car to a neighbour. Sing.

‘HEDGEHOG’
Unsettling. What was that noise? Where were you born? Share my values at once young man.

‘SPACEHOPPER’
Terribly frightening. Death has your business card. Trust no-one and carry a bucket at all times.

‘UNDERPANTS’
Incredibly dangerous. You and everyone you know is now a terrorist. Go home and watch Grey’s Anatomy.

 

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