UK celebrates record number of shit jobs

THE number of shit jobs in Britain has reached an all-time time high.

Latest figures show a record-breaking rise in the number of people doing menial, soul-destroying shit like telemarketer and call centre operator.

Glass collector Tom Booker said: “Sure, this job might be shit, but I’ve learned some valuable skills should I ever decide to retrain as a pot washer or busboy. And it beats being on the dole.

“Wait a sec, no it fucking doesn’t. This so-called job is an absolute steaming shitcake.”

Experts have warned that alongside the boom in shit jobs, there has also been a precipitous rise in bullshit jobs like social media marketer and dog stylist.

Mary Fisher, who ‘works’ as a paint namer, said: “I wanted to do something creative with my life, but all I do all day is think of synonyms for pink.

“I’d complain to my boyfriend, but he works for a start-up that makes gluten-free breadsticks for children, so he’s not really that sympathetic.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies commented: “Bullshit jobs used to be confined to acting and writing, but we’re seeing precarious busywork spread through society like a plague.

“I myself spend most of the day playing Fantasy Football before talking about research I haven’t done. It’s a load of bullshit but it pays the bills.”