Gordon Brown ‘anally probed by ETs’

GORDON Brown was painfully probed by aliens at the behest of Tony Blair, government files have revealed.

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Declassified Ministry of Defence files show that in 1998 Tony Blair repeatedly met with extra terrestrial humanoids. He apparently paid them £75,000 to kidnap Gordon Brown in their saucer and give him a ‘severe bum drilling’.

A Downing Street source said: “I remember Tony had received a letter from a member of the public who claimed to have had a large whirring implement put up their backside by bulbous-headed aliens.

“Tony said ‘that sounds truly horrible’, then narrowed his eyes and looked across the room to where Gordon was counting coppers into a jar with a face like thunder.”

The following day, Blair arranged a meeting with MOD officials and their secret alien contact, a being called Skylax from the Zeta Reticula star system.

According to the declassified files, Blair supplied the alien with information about Brown’s dog-walking routine, an envelope stuffed with cash and instructions to ‘show no mercy’.

Skylax apparently showed the Prime Minister a bladed instrument called ‘the space corer’ which he used for ‘special deep probing’, in response to which Blair nodded enthusiastically.

The joyless Scottish chancellor was found by walkers on Clapham Common the following morning, naked and confused.

UFO expert Roy Hobbs said: “It’s not unusual to find politicians lurking in parks at 3am so the whole thing was easily brushed aside as a run-of-the-mill gay sex scandal.

“Gordon never knew that Blair had set him up to be anally defiled by space beings. He just thought it was typical bad luck.”