Independent Scotland to blame cats


UNABLE to continue blaming the English for their misfortunes, an independent Scotland will instead hate cats.

William Wallace chased him up a tree

William Wallace would chase him up a tree

First Minister Alex Salmond announced the plan yesterday, unveiling a large picture of a cat with the word ‘Bastard’ written under it.

He said: “As with everything bad that has happened in Scotland since 1707, a vote against independence would be the fault of the English.

“However, if Scotland chooses independence, cats will be installed as the new Scottish nemesis, under the so-called ‘scape-cat’ system.”

The policy was developed by Roy Hobbs, Professor of Scottishness at the University of Arbroath. He said: “Cats are an ideal focus for Scottish rage, as they have much in common with the English.

“They stroll about like they own the place, they’re snooty, and they spend all day licking their own arseholes.”

Scottish cat owner Mary Fisher supports the plan: “My cat’s always in front of the fire.  She’s definitely plundering Scottish North Sea gas reserves.”

Fellow Scot Bill McKay agreed: “I could’ve been a great man, if I wasn’t oppressed by my cat.  The little bastard actually shits in my kitchen, even the English didn’t do that.”

Under the new system, Scots will be forced to cheer for the mouse whilst watching Tom and Jerry cartoons. Lions and tigers will no longer be called ‘big cats’, instead being reclassified as types of thistle.

If a Yes vote is returned, the newly independent Scotland will immediately gather eleven cats and try to beat them at football.



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