ED Miliband cannot even masturbate like a proper grown-up, it has been confirmed.
Claims the Labour leader broke his wrist while walking up a hill have been dismissed as a complete and utter lie which, once again, displays his unbridled contempt for British voters.
Sources revealed the injury happened last week after Miliband witnessed Glenda Jackson’s barnstorming performance in the House of Commons Thatcher death debate.
A senior Labour figure said: “As soon as Glenda sat down, he raced back home and watched Women in Love in his man-cave.
“We think he was doing it while jumping up and down on his little sofabed. He’s either gone over the back of it or bounced off it at an awkward angle and banged the whole ‘arrangement’ against the edge of his desk.”
Miliband was also understood to be angry at criticism from Tony Blair and embarked on reckless masturbation because he had ‘something to prove’.
The source added: “It’s admirable of Ed to want to fight back with a radical display of onanism, but he needs to learn that often it’s better to masturbate pragmatically.
“We should have chosen David. He’s really good at masturbating.”
