Brown Refuses To Hand Back Pension

GORDON Brown last night dismissed calls to surrender his £123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.

Mr Brown was defiant in the face of City outrage despite the UK government's annual operating loss of £100bn, rising to £1.5 trillion when the write-down of its banking assets is taken into account.

The prime minister said: "I've been building up this pension since I became an MP, it's all completely legal and now you want to take it away because I've been catastrophically bad at my job and you're looking for a scapegoat. What gives?"

He added: "Yes I've been in charge of financial regulation for 12 years, yes I encouraged the housing bubble, and yes I pissed billions up the wall giving pointless jobs to Labour voters, but I fail to see what any of this has to do with me being incredibly well off."

Brown's £3m pension pot is expected to cast the spotlight on the extravagant retirement packages of other failed politicians including Alistair Darling's inexplicable £1.7m and the £1.5m awarded to John Prescott for being a national scandal for 10 years.

Meanwhile Margaret Beckett has a fund worth £1.7m, something called 'Hilary Armstrong' has £1.2m and Tessa Jowell has £1m even though no-one has the faintest idea what any of them actually did.

Critics insist Mr Brown has a moral duty to hand back his pension fund as he will inevitably receive a multi-million pound advance for two volumes of eye-gougingly tedious memoirs which will end up in the bargain bucket at WH Smith within a fortnight.

Martin Bishop, head of pension rows at the Institute for Studies, said: "It's a fascinating dynamic. The politicians blame the bankers, the bankers blame the politicians, and the ordinary taxpayer is down on all fours with a confused look on his face, being fucked at both ends."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Aha Ha Ha Ha Ha, Says Goodwin

AHA ha ha ha ha ha ha, aha ha ha, aha ha ha ha ha, former Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive Sir Fred Goodwin said last night.

The disgraced banker spoke out while bent over double in an Edinburgh street, slapping his knee as his cheeks took on a deep, rosy pink colour.

Becoming light-headed, he was then forced to crouch down with his head buried in his hands while his shoulders began to jiggle uncontrollably.

Minutes later the 50 year-old pensioner stood up and attempted to compose himself before his face erupted once again and he began waving frantically as if to stay, 'no, stop, stop, I can't take it any more'.

Bending over for a second time, his body was soon gripped by a series of convulsions and within moments he had collapsed onto the pavement where he began rolling back and forth, clutching at his abdomen.

Sir Fred then struggled on to his hands and knees, trying desperately to catch his breath and asking passers-by for a glass of water.

One eyewitness said: "He was making this strange rasping noise, a bit like a goat that's been kicked in the testicles.

"His eyes were all red and watering and he was breathing very heavily. I asked him if he was going to be okay but that just set him off again."