Brown Threatens To Fly Plane Into Office Of National Statistics

GORDON Brown was circling central London today threatening to crash his light aircraft into the Office of National Statistics.

Mr Brown updates his web page every Friday

Following renewed speculation that ONS figures will reveal Britain slipping back into recession, Mr Brown made his way to an airfield early this morning after posting a furious, rambling message on the Downing Street website.

Mr Brown wrote: "ONS bastard fuckers. Well let me tell you something so-called Britain, they're messing with the wrong psycho.

"I'll bring this whole tower of shit crashing to the ground. I don't care anymore. Do you here me? I DONT CARE! And by the way Piers, when I was at uni I fucked loads of birds. LOADS!"

Mr Brown then quoted from the Rudyard Kipling poem 'Gunga Din', posted a recipe for cheesy tuna bake and finished his message by repeating the word 'DESTROY!' more than 800 times.

Tom Logan, the prime minister's biographer, said: "This is all part of an ongoing feud between Mr Brown and the ONS. Every time he thinks he has a chance of recovery, they produce some figures that show the full extent to which he has fucked everything into a cocked hat.

"But you have to remember that it is Gordon Brown so the chances of him successfully targeting the ONS are less than nil. He'll probably crash into a really good state school or a profitable business."

Julian Cook, a solicitor from Hatfield who has been monitoring Mr Brown's progress through a pair of binoculars, said: "I have no particular preference as to which building he chooses to destroy, I just hope he's got Ed Balls up there with him."