Brown To Appoint Milburn As 'Cabinet Enemy'
GORDON Brown will appoint Alan Milburn as his official Enemy in Cabinet when he takes over as Prime Minister next week.
With the departure of Tony Blair, Brown is keen to maintain the raw hatred that has motivated him for the past 13 years.
The appointment of former Health Secretary Milburn will provide the new prime minister with a shallow, charismatic right-wing focus for his darkest, most demented moods.
"Gordon is never happier than when he has someone to thwart," said a senior Brown ally.
"Having Milburn around to glower at and brief against will help him settle in to Number 10.
"Longer term we'll be trying to break Milburn's spirit, including 4am phone calls, uncomfortable chairs and passing the biscuits round the cabinet table so that Douglas Alexander snatches the last chocolate Hobnob from under his nose. It will completely do his head in."
Brown also plans to use the full apparatus of the state to track down the anonymous Blairite who described him as "psychologically flawed" in 1998.
A senior Brown aide said: "Gordon has given us permission to freeze bank accounts, tap phones, tamper with brakes and attach electrodes to private areas in our search for the truth.
"I have to say, he can be a bit of a nutjob at times."