Call Us ‘Deplorable’, Union Orders Brown

BRITAIN'S biggest trade union today ordered Gordon Brown to describe it as 'deplorable'.

Mr Woodley is paying £11m for the Labour Party over three years

As Unite stepped up its plans for a British Airways strike that will ground dozens of flights and potentially cripple the company, the union told the prime minister to be absolutely appalled by its actions.

Downing Street sources confirmed Mr Brown had telephoned Unite general secretary Tony Woodley on Sunday to ask for instructions and money and that Mr Woodley had set out his plans for the prime minister to look very angry and use the word 'unjustified'.

A senior source said: "Mr Woodley ordered the prime minister to come across as being really genuine and say that a strike was not in the national interest and call on both sides to return to the negotiating table.

"When he had been given permission to speak, the prime minster said that if they worked it just right they could make it look as if he had stood up to the unions, averted the strike and saved everyone's Easter holidays.

"Mr Woodley then said that if Mr Brown wanted to pretend that it was his idea then fair enough, but that they both know who the bitch is in this relationship."

Industrial relations consultant Nathan Muir said: "The union sees it as a win-win. If the strike goes ahead then Unite gets to fulfill its lifelong ambition of destroying Margaret Thatcher's favourite airline.

"If the strike is called off then Brown gets the credit, it improves Labour's election chances and they all continue with their plan to turn Britain into a slightly bleaker and less charming version of North Korea."

Meanwhile Mr Brown has insisted that if Labour loses the general election he intends to build a replica of Number 10 in the back garden of his constituency home and indulge in a series of poisonous, damaging feuds with a selection of local cats.