Clegg apologises for principles

NICK Clegg has apologised for having a moral viewpoint on something.

Adapt and survive

An early, leaked draft of a speech described gay marriage opponents as ‘bigots’, which worried advisors thought sounded uncharacteristically spine-possessing.

The offending word was rapidly replaced with ‘labradors’, shifting the focus of the speech onto pets that may be puzzled by homosexuality.

Clegg said: “I apologise for any offence I may have inadvertently caused by almost speaking my mind about people whose opinions are offensive, and who take offence at everything that has happened since about 1925.

“I realise now I should have referred to them as ‘persons of differing compassion and humanity’ and will do my best to curry favour with them in the future.”

Lord Carey, the former Archbigot of Canterbury, attacked the statement Clegg didn’t make, and suggested that if  the ‘deputy’ prime minister continued to have a view on gay marriage he would move house to Clegg’s Sheffield Hallam constituency so he could not vote for him at the next election.

Carey said: “I and many others of my faith greatly object to being called bigots, although admittedly not enough to assess our opinions on other people’s private lives to see if they’re actually complete balls or not.”

Clegg has been ordered to send all future speeches to Number 10 to ensure they have all traces of opinion removed and has been restricted to ‘nodding only’ for the next fortnight.

The former politician said: “I realise now that integrity can be very hurtful to people. The important thing is to change your opinion before they shout at you.”