Corbynmania 'so last August'

JEREMY Corbyn has been deserted in droves by young Labour fans bored of his radical beard thing.

The backbencher was the surprise package of the leadership election, energising vast swathes of disaffected young voters who flocked in droves to join the party, gripped by Jeremy fever.

Tom Booker, 17, who joined the party in early August said, “I joined the Labour party because I was bored, I wanted something new, I wanted change and I wanted it now.

“Jeremy Corbyn seemed to be the man. Rocking it with the whole beard look and the old man vibe and the rallies.

“But c’mon, it’s been weeks now and nothing’s happened. I mean, still with the beard? And the rallies? Come on, old man. I want something new, I want change and I want it now.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Young people feel let down by Jeremy Corbyn. He promised there’d be a leadership election, raising hopes of Davina McCall on TV saying “and the winner is”, and then pausing for like totally ages before saying “Jeremy!”

“But now they’re saying that’s not happening till September 12 which is like light years away. They should have had the election in August when kids were still interested.

“Now young people want someone different. Who’s that fat oaf who’s always hitting people and going on Twitter? John Prescott. Let’s vote for him.”

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Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something?

Dear Holly,
I’ve got a recurrent condition where I feel a bit sick for a few weeks, then gain loads of weight and experience things like chronic heartburn and piles, then, after about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying. Most annoyingly, I have to take 2 weeks off work to recover, which is inconvenient, to say the least. Do you think I’ve got that Lyme disease or something?
Marissa Mayer
Chief executive, Yahoo!
California

Dear Marissa,
My Aunty Shona is having a baby. It’s living in her actual tummy just now, swimming in amongst all the pizza and Jaffa cakes and sausages and stuff. When it’s ready to come out it is really painful because it has to go to the liver or the St Pancreas or somewhere to be washed so it doesn’t smell of sick when it comes out and then Aunty Shona has to sit on the toilet and push really really hard like when you’ve eaten too many boiled eggs.
Hope that helps,
Holly