Crewe Goes All Fancy
CREWE was prancing around quite the thing last night after getting itself a fancy new millionaire to represent it in parliament.
The Cheshire town went all la-di-da just after 2am and immediately started organising a hoity-toity tea party with cucumber sandwiches.
Crewe's neighbours dismissed the sudden interest in finery, stressing the town wouldn't know a fish knife if someone stabbed them with it.
But last night the town was proudly showing off its new MP and is already planning a charabanc trip to Ascot.
Margaret Thompson, head of the local chamber of commerce, said: "Everyone, this is Edward.
"Look at his lovely clean fingernails. He's got more than one suit, he knows which wine to order and he talks like one of them newsreaders off the telly."
She added: "He's even got some A levels, not like that dirty brute from Congleton with his coarse language and his constant wind."
Edward Timpson, the new MP, said: "Crewe is an awful place with terrible problems and yet I find the people are always so jolly."
Mr Timpson said his first act would be to hand out shiny pennies from the steps of the town hall and lay on free beer and pickled eggs.
He added: "And one day soon I will choose one of you to accompany me to the grandest ball in all London!"