Cameron outside EU headquarters with protest signs

THE prime minister is marching around outside the European Parliament with hand-painted signs.

The election of ultra-federalist Jean-Claude Juncker as European Commission president prompted Cameron’s last-ditch protest against what he calls “the Marxist junta of the EUSSR.”

Signs carried by the Prime Minister include ‘Juncker Is A Drunker’, ‘No Mandate For Integration’ and ‘REMEMBER NAPOLEON’.

Cameron yelled through a megaphone at passers-by: “WE WANT OUR SOVEREIGNTY BACK! THIS PARLIAMENT IS ILLEGAL UNDER THE TREASON ACT OF 1708 SIGNED BY QUEEN ANNE!”

Jean-Claude Juncker said: “Peaceful protest is a key democratic right, and nobody is stopping Mr Cameron saying whatever he likes to the people of Europe, nor indeed assuming they all understand English.

“Besides, having him out there is infinitely preferable to having him in here.”

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Primark issues hand-stitched denial of poor working conditions

PRIMARK has denied its clothes are made in sweatshops in a statement sewn in sequins on a cardigan made in Bangladesh.

The budget clothes retailer is under the spotlight after a ‘cry for help’ note was found in some trousers, but have responded with a new line of shrugs bearing the slogan We Love Working Here and Everythings Fine.

Employees apparently worked non-stop through the night, ignoring all calls to take their legally mandated rest breaks, to produce clothes which are a testimony to Primarks ethical working practices.

Shopper Carolyn Ryan said: I was concerned, but this top which says We are definitely not slaves working in appallingly dangerous conditions has completely reassured me.

The chain-stitch embroidery theyve employed is absolutely exquisite, and incredible in a top that only costs 80p.

Im sure the faint odour of death will come out after a wash.

A Primark spokesman said: The hand-appliqued statement Primark is a completely ethical employer and we are honoured to be in their deniable supply chain on these pyjamas produced, shipped and on sale in less than 24 hours speaks for itself.

If you want a more detailed analysis of our employment policy then I can have one of our people in Dhaka put that on a t-shirt for you right away.

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