Downing Street releases picture of Clegg

06-05-11

PRIME minister David Cameron has released a photograph of the mangled remains of Nick Clegg.

The image came from a tiny camera attached to Oliver Letwin's helmet

The picture shows the Lib Dem leader’s lifeless body after he was taken down by an elite coalition deal with the Conservatives.

Sources say Mr Clegg fought like a girl before the coalition agreement put a bullet in his head, just above the left eye.

The demise of Clegg is the culmination of a carefully planned year-long mission by Downing Street to absolutely fuck him up.

A senior Conservative source said: “We got a lucky break and were able to coax him into coalition negotiations about a year ago. At that point we were pretty sure we had him.

“He grasped at our offer of a voting reform referendum, little realising that it was actually a trap.”

The source added: “This was not a kill or capture mission. We wanted to fuck him up really, really badly. So badly that his own party wouldn’t recognise him.

“And we managed to trap him, discover his weaknesses and bring him down without resorting to torture. That said we have been torturing Vince Cable anyway. I cannot recommend it highly enough.”

A Downing Street insider said the release of the photo would help convince voters that they will not see Mr Clegg ‘walk this earth again’, adding: “We did worry about inflaming Lib Dem anger, but then we thought ‘fuck that’.”

Mr Cameron said last night: “We got him.”

He added: “The termination of Nick Clegg does not mean the end of the Liberal Democrats quite yet, but it does give us hope that we can soon return to decent, honest two party politics without these grubby, two-faced little shits getting in the way.”

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