Duncan Smith denies affair with jackal
IAIN Duncan Smith has denied trying to impregnate a young jackal.
The welfare secretary was forced onto the defensive amid rumours of an affair involving a senior Tory politician and another unidentified mammal that cannot be named for legal reasons.
Mr Duncan Smith insisted a recent trip to sub-saharan Africa had absolutely nothing to do with a picking out the perfect specimen to take part in a special project.
He added: “I have never had intercourse with a jackal and currently have no plans to do so.
“My recent trips to Africa were about finding out how much money people really need in order to survive. Let’s just say, I was pleasantly surprised.”
The internet has been rife with speculation following yesterday’s intriguing front page story in the Mail on Sunday which, according to experts, may as well have been completely fictional.
Media consultant Julian Cook said: “The ultra-secretive nature of injunctions means that it’s impossible to prove they don’t exist.
“Injunctions have therefore allowed newspapers much freer rein to make things up, as long as they don’t use any names. But personally, I’m tweeting that it is true and involves Nadine Dorries and a Great Dane.”
Bill McKay, from Stevenage, said: “When I heard a senior Tory had been having an affair, I automatically assumed, like everyone else, that Iain Duncan Smith had been fucking a jackal in a bid to conceive the Dark Lord who will terrorise mankind in a Thousand Year Reign of Fire and Blood.
“I find his denials a tad outlandish.”