Economy like my scrotum, says Osborne

THE economy contracts when cold, like a scrotum, chancellor George Osborne said last night.

Mr Osborne has pledged to check his scrotum every 15 minutes

Mr Osborne said the bitter chill of winter had left Britain temporarily embarrassed but stressed the UK economy was becoming increasingly testicular.

He said: “Ever since I was a school boy I have been lucky enough to have an ice cold bath every morning.

“And today, as I lay there reading the fourth quarter GDP figures, I had a sudden revelation. I immediately shouted ‘eureka’, leapt out of the bath and took this picture of my ball sack.”

Mr Osborne then unveiled a 10 foot square photograph of his badly shrivelled scrotum, adding: “D’you see what I mean?”

But the chancellor warned there could be no change in policy insisting scrotums could not be unshrivelled by waving a magic wand and urged consumers to treat the economy to the warm water and baggy, brightly patterned swimming shorts of increased spending.

He added: “While China struts around in tight jeans showing off its burgeoning packet, Britain’s once-proud Linford Christie-ness continues to recede like an Arctic swimmer’s.

“We must stay the course. We cannot simply turn a hairdryer on oursleves as I’m pretty sure we would get badly burned or get our John-Thomas trapped in the mechanism.”

The scrotum theory supersedes all of Mr Osborne’s previous economic metaphors including ‘a tin bath full of shit hurtling down a hill’  and ‘a dollymop’s fandango during shore leave’.