Election Campaign Still There

BRITAIN was profoundly disappointed today as the volcano-based news plume dispersed to reveal that the general election campaign has just been sitting there the whole time.

The old girl would have understood

Viewers who watch the first five minutes of News at Ten before switching over to a Living TV programme about ghosts said they were positive it had all been sorted out last week.

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, said: "I thought that telly programme was the election. I told the lady on the phone that I liked the man who looked like a cross between the other men.

"I assumed that would be that, but now you're saying it's going to be on the telly every day for the next fortnight? Piss."

She added: "I want the volcano to come back. I like that kind of telly news. I find it exotic."

Martin Bishop, from Newark, added: "Oh fuck. This means I'm going to have to get in my car, go to Sheffield and do something mind-buggeringly repulsive at the world snooker championships.

"How many days coverage would I get for climbing on to the table and having frenzied, rear entry sex with grinning waxwork models of the Queen Mother and Princess Anne while holding up a sign calling for the repatriation of the black ones in UB40?

"I know the immigration argument is a bit played, but I'm sure I'd get at least a day and a half out of the symbolic defilement of two of this county's most respected horse enthusiasts."

He added: "If everyone pitches in with their own act of wanton of depravity I reckon we could see this thing right through to the end without so much as a glimpse of Tom Bradby's impossible chin."

Meanwhile Lib Dem sensation Nick Clegg has described prime minister Gordon Brown as 'desperate' in a move which etymologists said could force them to do a complete strip down and rebuild of the word 'desperate'.