Government announces crackdown on blaming police cuts for crime

THE government is to impose minimum 10-year sentences on anyone attempting to blame police cuts for rising crime, it has announced. 

The crackdown aims to eliminate the scourge of anti-austerity views, which have doubled in the last 18 months, from Britain’s streets and offenders have been promised ‘no mercy’. 

Home secretary Sajid Javid said: “When ordinary people are unable to walk the streets without being assaulted by criticism of government policies, the time has come to act. 

“A full quarter of the Met’s officers have been reassigned to stamp out these gobby, insolent traitors who threaten the very fabric of Britain and have even infiltrated the ranks of the police themselves. 

“We’re particularly concentrating on the aftermath of moped robberies, where the streets are full of offenders openly saying ‘Where are the police?’ and ‘It’s all these bloody cuts.’” 

Javid also announced a prevention programme, educating potential offenders to protect themselves by blaming all rises in crime on the EU instead. 

Moped robber Bill McKay said: “No, it’s definitely nothing to do with cuts. Am I free to go now? I’ve got some phones to shift.”