Government powerless to intervene in non-banking industries

THE government has confirmed there is absolutely nothing it can do to save non-London-based industries.

Amid the prospect of thousands of redundancies, prime minister Theresa May said he wishes there was something she could do.

She added: “Tragically, these industries have been hit by a perfect storm of operating largely in the provinces and not being financial services.

“If only these workers produced something useful, like insurance derivatives supported by credit default swaps, then we’d gladly go billions into debt for them.

“But building hospitals? What are they even for?”

Construction worker Roy Hobbs said: “People are over mass-produced hospitals anyway. I’m moving into artisanal hand-made herbal remedies for the hipster market.”