How The Budget Will Affect Your Pointless, Money-Obsessed Life
The Daily Mash has crunched the numbers on yesterday’s Budget to work out how it will affect your ability to buy all that stupid shit your television keeps telling you that you need.
The Two Morons and their Idiot Spawn
Nathan Muir, 37, and his wife Sally, 34, have two children, Brian aged 4 and Samantha, 28. Nathan works for an insurance company and brings home £27,500 a year while Sally sits about on her fat arse all day, claiming that being a housewife is some sort of job. Cuts in working family tax credits mean the Muirs will lose £412 a year that they should never have had in the first place and spent mainly on attachments for their Wii. Angry Nathan said: “I paid a lot of money in income tax so I could have that £412.” The Muirs plan to improve their pointless standard of living by winning the National Lottery. Hateful.
The Ugly Old Woman
Margaret Gerving, 77, will have to buy even cheaper soup as well as those biscuits that come in a white packet and just say ‘digestives’. She will also have to turn the heating down this winter, sell her television set and listen to a battery operated wireless as the wind howls around her chimney pots and the rain lashes at her lonely windows. Is actually worth about £350,000 through a mix of equity, pensions and insurance policies but likes to guilt you into paying higher taxes because it gives her a massive, shuddering orgasm. Better off by £16 a year but intends to moan like a fucking bitch anyway.
The Young, Single Prick
Tom Logan is an investment banker in the City of London. He’s utterly minted and this sort of shit is for the little people. Will pay an accountant £20,000 to save himself £170,000 and will spend what you earn in a month on getting his balls waxed. At some point you will end up working for him and he will never know your name. According to our Budget Calculator, Logan will be better off every year from now until he dies in a huge bed surrounded by pet giraffes. Now piss off and leave him alone, before you pass on one of your diseases.
The Duke of Kent
His Grace, 75, hasn’t touched actual money since 1957 when the Duke of Edinburgh dared him to mug a nun. The chancellor’s decision to freeze the Civil List means the people who clean his 23 toilets will have to do more overtime at their second and third jobs. Worse off by 12p a year but thinks you’re all marvellous.
Roy Hobbs is a seven year old Labrador from Peterborough who works for the local authority as a freelance dog. He drinks nine pints of strong cider a day and smokes 20 cigarettes, five cigars and a pipe. He doesn’t have any children that he’s telling you about and would love to drive a car but accepts that while it would be brilliant for about the first 30 seconds somebody would probably wind up getting killed. Expects to be worse off by £623 a year because his paws are too big for his calculator and he can’t stop himself from barking at accountants. Is thinking of moving to France where at least the food is edible and he can shit anywhere he wants.