Labour Eyes Poll Boost From Ripper Release
GORDON Brown is considering granting parole to the Yorkshire Ripper in the hope of another opinion poll boost.
With Labour support rising in the face of a sterling crisis and fresh reports of his raging psychosis, the prime minister believes granting freedom to Peter Sutcliffe could see his party draw neck and neck with the Conservatives.
A Downing Street source said: "Just lately it seems Britain is telling us it wants us to do loads of really bad things.
"It's like it's imagining all the dark, horrible places it wants to go but can't, but then it's looking at us all funny and saying 'but you could do it, couldn't you? Go on'."
The source added: "We're currently drawing up a list of nasty, oddball shit that we reckon could give us a majority of at least 85. Honestly, you don't want to know. Oh, okay…
"Number one – release the Yorkshire Ripper. Number two – have Gordon get caught masturbating over the Cenotaph at two o'clock in the morning, number three – use the Budget to give massive tax breaks to Gary Glitter and Jonathan King.
"And number four – my personal favourite – nudging David Jason in front of a bin lorry."
Meanwhile the Conservatives are considering a shift to the right to rescue their flagging campaign, including a renewed focus on all them brown people what keep coming over here and that.
A party insider said: "Yesterday I saw a discussion memo titled 'Unleashing the Inner Tebbit'. I'm a bit frightened."