Labourers descend on Manchester

MINERS, navvies, totters and wheeltappers have hit Manchester in their cloth-capped droves.

Everyone is wearing their best dungarees

Britain’s coal mines and textile mills fell silent this morning as their humble denizens boarded horses, bicycles and charabancs for the Labour Party Conference.

Blacksmith Ed Milliband, who has known nothing but hard, physical graft his whole adult life, addressed the massed ranks of Britain’s manual workers.

Sinews bulging in his thick neck, Miliband said: “We are the people who dig the nation’s ditches, deliver its coal, cobble its shoes, and our voices must be heard!”

This year’s Labour party slogan is End Capitalism Now. Agenda issues include renationalisation of public utilities, free beer and sandwiches for all and the decapitation of Etonians.

Delegate Roy Hobbs said: “From draymen to bottom knockers, we represent those who sweat profusely for a living.

“Otherwise, we’d be called the Chinless, Pointless, Spineless, Anti-Industrial Action, Tesco-Appeasing, Blackberry-Fondling Alternative Estate Agent Party.”

Meanwhile, those who re-use carrier bags and take an interest in wildlife preservation are preparing for next week’s Conservative Party conference.