Lib Dems Pledge 20% Increase In Semen-Filled Tube Socks

NICK Clegg has pledged to raise the amount of semen coating the inside of Britain's tube socks by at least a fifth.

'Labour and the Tories are going to try and convince you that this election is not about cum shots'

The Lib Dem leader said the UK economy had become over reliant on financial services at the expense of ejaculating all over your thighs in front of a flickering TV screen at three o'clock in the morning.

He added: "I want to live in a country filled with randy middle-aged women in too much make-up who just want to suck me all day long.

"I want to live in a country where people treat each other with respect while at all times retaining the inalienable right to be treated like the filthy bitches they are."

The semen-filled tube sock increase is one of the party's four conditions for coalition government alongside scrapping tuition fees for thousands of horny teenage sluts, equipping Britain's police with state of the art vibrating truncheons and slipping nine inches of red hot proportional representation between your lightly oiled bumcheeks.

Clegg has also commissioned Lib Dem candidate Anna Arrowsmith to develop ideas on how Britain can cover its tits with soap and take it up the dirt box until it barks like a dog.

Ms Arrowsmith, the candidate for Gravesham in Kent, has become a major ideological force within the party after pioneering the concept of Liberal Democrat pornography in the late 1990s.

Her work led to the party's flagship policy of scrapping income tax on the first £10,000 you earn from delivering a pizza or fixing a leaky pipe only to end up having hard sex on top of a tumble drier.

Arrowsmith said: "Lib Dem porn is about fairness, it's about progress and it's about taking it at both ends as I explored in my 1998 documentary Your Face, My Balls 7.

"That was the one where Vince Cable finally has his day of reckoning with a broom handle covered in creme fraiche."