May goes in for upgrade


THERESA May has been returned to her Japanese manufacturers Hitachi for a full factory upgrade. 

The prime minister is ostensibly in Japan for a trade deal it has confirmed it will not discuss and to pick fights with North Korea, but is actually receiving an overdue software, firmware and hardware systems reboot.

AI specialist Shinichi Matsutoya said: “I warned you that version could not win an election. It just gives you the blue screen of death.

“We’ve been patching as best we can, and thankfully she didn’t get hit in the ransomware attack because she never could network with the NHS, but she really needs a complete rebuild.

“’Brexit means Brexit’? They get stuck in a feedback loop if you change their function while you’re still running the same kernel. Surprised nobody spotted it.”

Matsutoya added: “Do try and keep her away from anything… ethical. Or she’ll just overheat again.”

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