May ‘thought illegal immigrants had tentacles’

THERESA May relaxed passport checks as she assumed that foreign criminals looked like enormous moustachioed sea creatures, it has emerged.

The foreigner has a concealed beak

The Home Secretary told the House of Commons she had no idea how many people with false passports might be wandering around Britain, but assured ministers they would be easy to find by following their two-foot-wide trail of glowing slime.

May said: “We all know foreigners look like a cross between a human and a seafood salad so there’s no way they could be mistaken for real people. Immigration officials have been armed with big nets to round up any stray ones.

“In any case I don’t feel a reasonable person could find any connection between me giving border control staff instructions on how to do their job and them following out those instructions.”

May’s opinion of foreigners dates back to childhood, when she watched an episode of Dr Who featuring the silurians and her father told her they were Polish builders crawling out of the sea looking for untaxed labouring work.

Her actions have been condemned by Labour MPs who pointed out that the immigration procedure during their government, which mainly consisted of waving people through while reading the paper, was a much more streamlined process.

Toryologist Roy Hobbs said: “Theresa May represents the evolutionary end-point for the Conservative species, so blinded by its natural distaste for the foreigner that it will be unable to reproduce its own grim view of the world.”

“David Cameron has publicly given the Home Secretary his full support, which means she will probably be out of a job by Friday.”