‘More politics? How absolutely f**king fantastic’, says Britain

AN ECSTATIC Britain has thanked Theresa May for calling an early general election because it just cannot get enough of politicians on the news.

The prime minister told an excited, trembling nation that it had been almost a year since the country voted on anything important and that Britain now deserved to be rewarded for its patience.

She said: “I’m sorry I took so long. I know how much you hunger for politics to dominate the news. I know you love the debates, the special editions of Question Time and the party political broadcasts that show so much respect for your intelligence.

“And I know the absolute joy you experience when a pasty-faced weirdo knocks on your door and gives you a leaflet about how much Jeremy Corbyn loves Hitler.”

Delighted voter Tom Logan said: “I’m already planning a spectacular Leaders’ Debate party for all my friends.

“But what on earth am I going to wear?”

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Middle class alcohol 'less alcoholic than all other alcohol'

GETTING drunk while looking after your children is fine if you are drinking Chablis rather than WKD, it has been confirmed.

Middle class mother Eleanor Shaw and her friends regularly drink ‘some’ bottles of Chablis during their children’s play dates, insisting it is a civilised approach to parenting and ‘something French people probably do’.

Shaw said: “Chablis is a cultivated drink filled with interesting ‘notes’. It’s not like we’re just getting shitfaced.

“Sometimes we describe it using words like ‘biscuity’.”

She added: “Of course, if one of my friends turned up with a bottle of Tesco own-brand vodka I would confiscate it and then report the bitch to social services. Chablis is barely alcohol at all, really.

“It’s also very nice if you mix it with half a pint of artisan gin and then stand on the kitchen table singing Hit Me Baby One More Time.”