Nation's Purse Strings Controlled By A Ginger
A FRESHLY terrified Britain was gaping into the abyss today as David Cameron handed control of the nation’s purse strings to a ginger.
Experts said that Danny Alexander, the new chief secretary to the Treasury, was so gingery the credit rating agencies would inevitably downgrade Britain as everyone knows that gingers cannot be trusted, especially with money.
Meanwhile the pound fell sharply in early trading as most Asian markets believe that Mr Alexander is possessed by a demon.
Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “If he was slightly auburn or even strawberry blonde that would be manageable, but he is slap-bang in the middle of the gingerosity spectrum.
“I think it would be best if we all just slowly and quietly back away from him and then move to Abu Dhabi.”
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Everyone in the Treasury must now be issued with an economy size box of latex gloves and someone will have to follow him around everywhere he goes and place a tea towel on the chair before he sits down.
“The tea towel will then have to be incinerated.”
He added: “He will also need his own bathroom, his own special pen and they’ll need to make sure his coffee mug has some sort of identifying mark on it. And they will, of course, have to install a state-of-the-art ginger sneeze alarm.”
Alexander was promoted after predecessor David Laws claimed Â£40,000 in rent in a bid to protect his secret relationship with all the money he made as a merchant banker.
But taxpayer Bill Mckay, from Grantham, said: “Can gingers even add up? I’m amazed they find the time between desecrating churches and having sex with cats. If this is the new politics then fuck it right in the ear.”
Helen Archer, from York, added: “I really didn’t mind that Mr Laws was a banker. They tend to be very neat.
“But this one’s going to take my money and do all kinds of horrible gingery things with it. And ask yourself this – do you really want the deficit to be cut if it’s just going to make everything smell weird?”