Nigel Farage's guide to voting UKIP

GOOD morning and congratulations on making the best decision of your life – you’re going to vote UKIP.

But how exactly do you do that? Is it true that UKIP are so outside the political system that you can register your vote by making a deliciously politically incorrect remark in a public place?

Sadly not, though don’t let that stop you. Just follow the steps below:

Head out to your local polling station, but be wary. Primary schools are hotbeds of trendy liberal Marxism, and that wall display could be multicultural propaganda.

Dress smartly to act as an ambassador for your party. Men should wear a blazer, tie and biscuit-coloured trousers. Women should be well-groomed and not vote.

Do not be tempted by false UKIPs like an Independence in Europe, No2EU and the English Democrats. They are serpents sent to sway you from the path of righteousness.

Make your cross in the box next to your local UKIP candidate’s name. Don’t worry if you don’t recognise it – he’ll soon be on the TV news for saying things about gays.

Don’t add another four lines to your cross to make a cheeky little swastika. This counts as spoiling your ballot and is a major reason why right-wing parties underperform in elections.

Finally, enjoy yourself! Take your time, drink in the surroundings and savour the moment. After all, you’re never going to vote UKIP again.