Nobody pays for our holidays except Theresa May, says DUP

THE Democratic Unionist MP accused of taking £100k holidays in Sri Lanka has insisted that the only person paying for his jollies is Theresa May. 

Ian Paisley Jr, MP for North Antrim, said that if he were to have two all-expenses-paid luxury holidays, he has been told to send the bill direct to Downing Street.

He added: “I don’t actually have holidays because I’m not a lazy Roman Catholic. I go on ‘fact-finding missions’ where God is always watching me to make sure I am working as hard as possible for decent Christian values.

“But if I did, I could go anywhere I wanted. I’d just walk into a five star hotel and say ‘Charge it to May’.

“New York, Paris, Sydney. Any of those fancy places. Though I wouldn’t because they all have a disgustingly high percentage of homosexuals.

“Meanwhile, I’m running tabs in every bar in Belfast, we all are. I stopped paying my mortgage last month – just cancelled the direct debit – and I’ve got the same fiver in my pocket I had in June because I don’t do cash anymore.”