Northerners Almost The Same As People, Say Tories
TODAY'S Northerner is now almost on a par with humans, the Conservatives will announce today.
In a pitch to swing voters north of Birmingham the party will set out plans to overhaul Lancashire, Yorkshire, Cumbria and Northumberland with the introduction of schools, toilet paper and cutlery.
According to an opinion poll, only 57% of Conservatives now believe that Northerners are an exclusively male race which reproduces via intercourse with stoats, ferrets and badgers.
A party spokesman said: "The modern Northerner has evolved to such an extent that it could be brought along to a dinner party, perhaps on a leash or in a very big jar.
"Indeed the progress of the Northerner is in many respects analogous to that of its beloved pie.
"Once it was little more than a pastry receptacle for pulped genitals adrift in an oozing black tar, shunned by even the semi-literate.
"Now it frequently contains fair to average meats and is served to dinner guests across Surrey, often with a salad garnish and a hint of irony."
The spokesman said the shadow cabinet had been preparing for the campaign push by calling each other 'pet' and trying desperately to be amused by Paddy McGuinness.
He added: "We're also recommending they read two Catherine Cookson books – preferably one set on a moor and one set in a mill – and that they spend the night with a ferret. Chris Grayling was unbelievably keen."