Osborne hands average family £45 to give to British Gas

GEORGE Osborne will today let the average family look at £45 of their own money as it travels from the Treasury to British Gas.

'Being set on fire was quite good'

Mr Osborne wants to simplify the system by which people get less things in exchange for more money while boosting entrepreneurship by emphasising how happy you would be if you owned a multi-national energy company.

A Treasury source said: “It’s easier if we just give the money directly to British Gas and send everyone a photo of their £45 in much the same way as one would receive a photo of a sponsored child or endangered animal.

“You’ll then get a quarterly ‘newsletter’ from your £45 telling you how it’s doing inside the wallet of a British Gas executive,  what it was like being exchanged for an erotically-shaped cigar cutter or how it feels to be set on fire by a bored fat man.”

A British Gas spokesman said: “We will wait for the exact figure before deciding how much to add to this year’s price increases, but we do prefer to bill people directly and then watch them hand it over.

“It gets us very, very hard.”

Mr Osborne is also expected to scrap a planned 1% rise in fuel duty after experts pointed out that 65% of nothing is nothing.

A Treasury source said: “We are perilously close to the tipping point where people will have turned their cars into houses and be using the rubbery bits to make sandwiches.”

Other Budget highlights include:

Three pence a pint on delicious foreign lagers that make you want to have a fight.

A tax on private kangaroos.

A £250m fund to help 10,000 first-time buyers experience the pointless stress of owning some shitty little house next to a retail park.

A freeze in air passenger duty, clearing the way for Michael O’Leary to charge you for having a face.

Meanwhile page 815 of the Treasury’s ‘Red Book’ will contain the usual clause allowing rich people’s lives to stay exactly the same.