Osborne to reconsider being torn to shreds

28-01-11

CHANCELLOR George Osborne will rethink an April fuel price rise after acknowledging its effects on his ability to live.

Some campaigners want to spend their last £80 filling Mr Osborne with petrol until it's coming out of his ears

His advisers presented him with research detailing the anticipated revenue gained from a 1p per litre rise as well as the number of trees bits of him would be scattered amongst.

Osborne said: “I’m beginning to think a fuel hike would be like holding up a bank then applying for an overdraft.

“There’s certain sections of the electorate you want to avoid pissing off and the lorry-driving section that tends to provide a disproportionate number of the country’s murder suspects is one of them.”

A spokesman for Unite said: “We appreciate these are difficult times and changes in government revenue streams have to be looked at but the old joke about a full tank of petrol doubling the value of a Skoda is now true for Audis.

“It’s the chancellor’s job to make difficult decisions but he must acknowledge how much more difficult it would be while stuffed into a piece of rolled-up carpet in a lay-by.”

Osborne will now look at other solutions ahead of the March budget including a massive tax increase on disgusting sex toys and monkey porn, as people are unlikely to protest about how much it is going to cost them per year.

He added: “My only concern is that such a move would be massively unpopular with Conservative backbenchers.”

 

 

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