Secret Miliband Brother Blows Contest Wide Open

THE Labour leadership contest has been blown wide open after the shock return of Stryker, the secret Miliband brother.

Stryker Miliband made his dramatic intervention yesterday during a press conference by his older brother. Walking onto the podium, he removed a wig and false moustache, looked at the shadow foreign secretary and said: “Surprised to see me David? Well now I’m back and I want what’s mine.”

A senior Labour source said: “Stryker has always been spoken of in hushed terms. We all thought he had been killed in a freak horse riding accident in 1994. It now seems that was all part of his plan.

“As children, David and Ed formed a very close bond and ganged up on Stryker who was their parents’ favourite. When he was 10 they framed him for the murder of a cat and he was sent away to live with some Welsh people.”

But the young Stryker, forced to sharpen knives for a living and tell fortunes for lonely sailors, vowed that one day he would return and claim his birthright.

After working his way through Harvard and the Sorbonne he went on to build a global business empire using a series of fake identities.

He dated models, bought a private jet to fly between his luxury homes in Dubai and the Bahamas and used his impeccable business contacts to ensure both his brothers rose through the Labour Party so that one day he would have the satisfaction of snatching the ultimate victory from their grasp.

The source added: “Stryker is everything you want in a Miliband. He’s handsome, rugged, successful, sporty and charismatic, rather than just some fucking weirdo.

“He also knows how to smile properly, instead of looking like someone who’s just shat themselves.”

The stage is now set for an epic sibling battle filled with intrigue, betrayal and dirty tricks that can only be settled by securing a majority in an electoral college consisting of MPs, trade unions, constituency associations and ordinary and affiliate party members using transferable second preference votes that will be re-allocated if their first choice is eliminated after the first round.

Or blackmail.

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Rooney Sex Tape In Hands Of Insect-Stroking Ultra-Villain

A DEMENTED albino billionaire is threatening to beam images of a rutting Wayne Rooney into every home on Earth unless he is handed control of the world’s nuclear arsenal.

Oil to telecomms magnate Aldo Fazzenbacker, whose pet praying mantis Ernst is the nearest thing he has ever had to family, issued the ultimatum in a broadcast which appeared simultaneously and without warning on every television channel.

He said: “The tape which I hold in my purple-gloved hands contains images that make John Leslie look like Mrs Potts, the singing teapot from Beauty and the Beast.

“Imagine Rooney’s head turning crimson as he vigorously bothers a bonk-eyed orange tart with the complimentary pillow mint stuck to her left buttock. Then picture him at the moment of fruition, twisted into a hooting, neckless mess of lust that will indelibly print itself into your mind, corrupting all your fondest memories.”

He added: “So far the images have only been viewed by chimpanzees who subsequently pulled each other’s faces off. But unless my demands are met, these are the things you will never be able to unsee.”

Sex tape experts have urged governments to hand over missile launch keys after warning of the so-called ‘Medusa effect’ whereby an image is so horrific that the viewer drops dead on the spot, their face a mask of pure horror, as if they had just watched the Medusa Touch starring Richard Burton.

Teacher Roy Hobbs, from Stevenage, said: “Usually when I hear of a new celebrity sex tape I will grudgingly Google it in an apathetic, modern sort of way.â€

“But faced with this I’d rather build a time machine, travel to the future, film my own death and then come back and watch it every night while I’m eating my tea.

“Then again, it still sounds better than that James Corden sports quiz on Sky.”

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