Thatcher Tries To Close Her Own Ward

BARONESS Thatcher was under sedation last night after trying to close the ward where she is being treated.

The claw has injured four nurses

The former prime minister threatened to sack medical staff at the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital after they refused to give her a choice of dressings for her broken claw.

Consultant Denys Finch-Hatton said: "She was initially amused by the karmic forces that brought her under the care of an organisation she fucked sideways with a melon for over a decade.

"But then she became very agitated, got on the phone to Norman Tebbit and told him to sell the hospital to some Chinese gangsters."

He added: "We've made her as comfortable as possible which means, thanks to the enduring effects of her 11 years in power, she's currently propped up outside the gents."

Although Lady Thatcher is in a stable condition, her accident and her advanced age has created a dilemma for the New Labour politicians who have continued her work while simultaneously begging the trade unions for money.

A Downing Street source said: "In the event of her popping off, we'll have to say something that is statesman-like but does not alienate traditional Labour voters. Then again there is only about four of them.

"What about a full state funeral with a 21-gun salute, but at the end we drop her down a disused coal shaft?"

Meanwhile Martin Bishop, a former Liverpool dock worker, said he remained in a permanent state of readiness, adding: "I've got my fireworks, my bunting and two crates of Stella. It's going to be fucking mint."