Theresa May’s campaign schedule for today

AN exclusive look at Theresa May’s campaign schedule for today, and every other day.

6.30am: Wake up, already right.

7am: Watch news, add more names to list.

8am: Begin transport to [UNDISCLOSED LOCATION].

9.30am: Confirm with election team that [UNDISCLOSED LOCATION] has been cleared of all unvetted people to radius of five miles.

10.30am: Watch team of Romanian actors pretending to be British citizens enact a typical British scene, for example factory-making or crop-rotating.

11am: Deliver speech to Romanian actors.

11.10am: Deliver speech again as some actors unconsciously mouthed along with it.

11.30am: Deliver speech third time but with occasional interruptions, or as media terms it ‘interview’.

12pm: Lunch, strong and stable with side order of best deal for Britain.

1.30pm: Knock on voter’s door for cameras after making sure Special Branch team holding householder at gunpoint are concealed from sight.

2pm: Return to infusion tank for physical form to be revitalised by ‘dead fluids’.

6pm: Watch TV news, swear vengeance on those who create it.

7.30pm: Sign off final headlines of Daily Mail, Daily Telegraph, Sun and Times for tomorrow morning.

9pm: Do ‘girl jobs’.

9.15pm: Shower, scrub away shame.

10pm: Stare unblinking at ceiling until sunrise.