UKIP funded by massive tits

RICHARD Desmond has boosted UKIP’s election campaign with a £1m donation generated by breasts.

The billionaire pornographer and Daily Express owner felt that UKIP best reflected his portfolio of shows, which includes Spanking Totty and Ben Dover, The Old Fucker.

Desmond said: “If Nigel is elected I’ll cancel Asian Babes as I don’t imagine it’s the sort of thing he’d approve of.

“We’re working on more UKIP-friendly shows including Real Ale Housewives and Passport Control Sluts, which features a bevy of British girls deporting people for not having enough money and then lezzing it up to an Elgar soundtrack.

“But I think our big ratings winner will be Douglas Carswell reading out viewers’ erotic letters.”

UKIP supporters have welcomed Desmond’s patronage, sharing a nostalgic view of Britain when everybody spoke English on the bus, televised softcore pornography was the only masturbatory option and the Daily Express was still considered a newspaper.

Desmond added: “Every time my viewers ejaculate to a bored woman from Southend pretending to be a punished schoolgirl, I want them to think of Nigel Farage’s face.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Tossers ‘curating’ everything

AN arts twat claims to have curated a cup of tea by adding milk and sugar.

35-year-old visual artist Stephen Malley said: “The tea-making process is an ongoing dialogue between water, milk and tea that requires careful curation.

“I took being thirsty as my starting point, then I began to construct a response based around a mug.

“Overall I curated the hell out of this hot drink. Can I have some grant money or a telly interview please?”

Fellow paint-splattered dickhead Mary Fisher said: “I’ve just finished curating a grass roots cultural event. It’s my kid’s fifth birthday party and I booked a clown for it.”

Linguist Norman Steele said: “Everyone is a curator now, whether through choosing some blindingly obvious bands for a festival, putting lettuce in a sandwich or simply deciding to breathe.

“This kind of term is particularly useful if you have no talent apart from a chameleonic ability to talk like the twats who hand out government cash.

“Or if, God help you, you think Alan Yentob is cool.”