'Up North' to become a single constituency, vows Cameron

08-08-12

RADICAL boundary changes by the Conservative party will make it mathematically impossible for Labour to win an election, it has emerged.

84% of Northerners are ferrets

Under David Cameron’s proposed new constituency boundaries, Up North – which includes traditional Labour strongholds Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle – will elect a single MP.

Meanwhile David Cameron’s home town of Chipping Norton would be split into 27 constituencies, three of them representing areas of Cameron’s house.

Cameron said: “The needs of my bathroom are very different to those of my kitchen or spare room, and I am delighted our electoral system will now recognise those differences.

“Northerners however all share the common life goals of having sex in car parks and acquiring fried meat in cardboard buckets, so there is less need for detailed administration in their foggy, marsh-like region.”

The Prime Minister has promised that the 2015 election will be a more spectacular affair, with polling stations moving from primary schools to more impressive locations such as golf clubs and opera houses.

He also plans to introduce a ‘two names two votes’ policy under which anyone with a double-barrelled surname may legally vote twice.

The logistics of the election would also change, with responsibility for the ballot passing to private firm Optimum Democracy.

An Optimum spokesman explained:  “Voters can buy the Premium Ballot Paper, which will list all the candidates, or stick with the Free and Easy option, which will only show the party that won the previous election.”

“The ballot will also be the greenest ever, with any unused votes being recycled and sold off to the highest bidder.”

 

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