Voters To Hire Jimmy Conway From 'Goodfellas'

13-10-09

THE row over MPs' expenses escalated last night as voters across Britain agreed to hire Jimmy Conway from Goodfellas.

Or we could have lots of expensive court cases

With MPs threatening to claim expenses for legal action over their expenses claims, voters said they would now bring in the New York-based consultant to recover their money through a series of intensive, face-to-face meetings.

Tom Logan, a taxpayer from Hatfield, said: "We've explained the situation to him and he seems to think it should all be fairly straightforward."

As a free sample, Mr Conway yesterday took a group of voters to the constituency office of Conservative MP Douglas Hogg, where he gave a brief demonstration of his working methods.

Grabbing a telephone cord and wrapping it tightly around Mr Hogg's neck, he said: "You got money for that fuckin' moat, but you don't got my fuckin' money, huh?  Get the money, you fuckin' cocksucker, you hear me?"

A clearly distressed Mr Hogg appealed to the group of voters, adding: "I've been good to you, you've been good to me. But there's something really unreasonable going on here.

"Jimmy's being an unconscionable ball-breaker. I never agreed to three points on top of the vig. Am I something special? Some sort of schmuck on wheels?"

Steadily tightening the cord, Mr Conway insisted: "Gimme the fuckin' money, You hear me? You hear me? I gotta come here and you bust my balls? Gimme the fuckin' money. Gimme the fuckin' money. Gimme the fuckin' money."

An exhausted Mr Hogg then agreed to pay the outstanding amount in full as the group of voters thanked Mr Conway with a brief round of applause.

The goodfellow said his commission would be 10%, payable on completion, and that for particularly stubborn MPs he would bring in his associate Tommy DeVito.

Mr Conway added: "Hopefully one of your MPs will tell him he's funny. He loves that."

  • Share:

  • Badger_Pic_inside