Westminster vows never to allow vote on anything that matters ever again

19-09-14

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MPs have pledged that voters will never again be given the power to actually change anything.

Following a terrifying surge in political engagement in Scotland, Westminster is determined that all future votes will be the usual choice between three men built by Marks and Spencer.

House of Commons Speaker, John Bercow, said: “An 84 per cent turnout, rallies in the streets, and intelligent, informed debates are all the stuff of nightmares.

“By some dreadful miscalculation the future of this nation was, for a brief time,  in the hands of the people who live in it.

“Never, ever again.”

Cross-party talks are already taking place to ensure all further choices offered to the public are so utterly meaningless that voter turnout will nestle comfortably in the low 40s.

Nick Clegg, the self-styled deputy prime minister, said: “Thank God the Scots are so institutionalised.

“Well done, my tiny, red-haired friends.”

 

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