FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far:
“Mental health? Lazy, overprivileged little f**ks more like”
Beginning with a common-sense criticism of the unmanageable disability benefit bill seemed uncontroversial, but Natalie was surprised to be met by stunned silence. Surely her fellow Labour MPs aren’t falling for the lies of the workshy and their leftie GPs?
“A few bullets into the crowd as a warning and that’s the protests over”
Moving to pro-Palestine protests should be safer ground. Everybody hates them clogging up central London with apologies for terrorism. Fight fire with fire, yeah? An awkward pause while Yvette Cooper explains that would be illegal. ‘Only according to the police,’ Natalie answers.
“The trouble is Rwanda’s too good for them”
Time to win friends. The MP for Dover outlines the reason the Rwanda policy was doomed: because Rwanda, with its one-party state and recent history of ethnic genocide, is an earthly paradise to these small boat vermin. What’s wrong with Antarctica if we need a deterrent? What does she get back? Nothing.
“My ideal dinner party guests? Owen Jones, Michelle Obama, Prince Harry, Gary Lineker and I’d serve death cap mushrooms”
Lightening the mood with a relatable hypothetical about four universal hate figures, Natalie’s shocked that it falls flat. Indeed some Northern wet claims to be a friend of Owen, which is like saying Pol Pot’s a decent guy when you get to know him. She’s beginning to have serious doubts about these people.
“Brexit, eh? Absolutely bloody brilliant”
Surely this is an area where there’s absolutely no possibility of disagreement. Whatever your party, whatever your beliefs, the Brexit that Boris Johnson so skilfully negotiated has been an outright triumph. That’s Labour policy, for God’s sake! But again nothing but glum faces.
“F**king BBC”
One last try, and just when Natalie was giving up she meets with enthusiastic assent. Everyone’s complaining about BBC bias, prejudiced Question Time audiences, selecting guests by political agenda, etcetera. Finally she feels she’s among friends until wait, what: these halfwits think Laura Kuenssberg is right-wing? Seriously? That woke bitch?
