THE member for Dover has defected from the Conservatives to Labour, but what invaluable secrets does she bring from her former masters? 

Lauren Hewitt, nutritionist: “Rishi Sunak’s true height. They’re lying to us with this five-foot-seven bullshit. No way he’s taller than Prince.”

Roy Hobbs, fishmonger: “I hope for her sake she’s brought a reason for the people of Dover not to kick her bitch ass out at the next election for five years supporting this shite.”

Susan Traherne, spoon vendor: “Could she have a reset code for Britain? Back to factory settings, kind of thing?”

Joanna Kramer, psychologist: “She could bring internal reports on the state of the party, revealing it to be deeply riven, held hostage by an extremist right wing and shattered by 14 years of failure. She’d be wasting her time, but she could.”

Joshua Hudson, student: “I dunno, maybe where all the f**king money’s gone?”