Theresa May covered in tags

SIXTEEN electronic curfew tags have been discovered on Home Secretary Theresa May’s leg.

Not able to do a J-turn in a nicked Astra

According to a new report, offenders are circumventing their curfews by surreptitiously slipping their tags onto boring people who don’t go out of an evening.

Tory politicians are apparently a prime target for the tags, as are agoraphobics, librarians, members of historical re-enactment societies and anyone who has reached level 80 or above on World of Warcraft.

The Home Secretary only realised she had been a target when police officers raided a Conservative fundraising event searching for sixteen juvenile car thieves. It is now believed the teenagers fixed their tags to May after diverting her attention with a plate of raw meat.

May said: “It was very embarrassing for my guests; respectable businessmen and newspaper proprietors who for some reason were convinced the police had come to arrest them.”

The incident comes shortly after a team of 20 officers flew to the West African country of Togo chasing a gang of street thugs who turned out to have attached their tags to the sparrow-like migratory tree pipit.

May also announced a plan to monitor UK internet use which assumes that any users who don’t access pornography are fanatical Jihadis and automatically passes their details to anti-terrorism units.

Human rights campaigner Nikki Hollis said: “This invasive policy could be the first step towards a ‘masturbation tax’. The government will collate porn viewing times, calculate the number of probable ejaculations and send a massive bill threatening to tell the recipient’s spouse if they don’t cough up.”