The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the NHS is trying to kill us, so we'd better pay shitloads to go private, am I right?

12th April 2024

WAKING up with a hangover that feels like rhinoceri are vigorously mating within my cranium, I reflect on the events of the past couple of days.

I was sent an anonymous package in the post of a Nike cap, which it was suggested might be a more ‘with it’ replacement for my customary mitre. Open to modern trends, I duly wore it for my Sunday sermon.

The image went viral; initially, Nike were aghast at their sudden drop in share price. I learned that the package had been sent in a joint venture between Adidas and the head cardinal of the British Catholic church, to discredit both myself and Nike. Infuriated, I put in a video call to the cardinal. I informed him that the next time I met him, I would shove my staff so far up his fucking arse he would be shitting wood till fucking Christmas.

This video also went viral; sales of Nike products soared, while I understand that both Adidas and the UK Catholic church are filing for bankruptcy. Duly satisfied, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that OJ Simpson, acquitted of the murder of his wife Nicole Brown in 1995, has died aged 76.

Well, that’s a fucking bawling shame, isn’t it? Hope it wasn’t connected with all those fucking steroids you were chugging in the weeks before the coincidental death of your beloved wife, eh? Still, you were an example of how America’s fucking goggle-eyed obsession with celebrity trumps even its fucking racism, which is saying something! Like any sane person I know there’s no afterlife, but in your case we can hope you spend eternity being slow-roasted on a spit with Nicole prodding you in the genitals with a red-hot poker every slow rotation. At least there’d be a point to all this religion bollocks for once!

Shadow health secretary Wes Streeting has opined that ‘middle-class lefties’ won’t stop Labour using the private sector to cut the NHS backlog.

We all know you’re gonna get in by a landslide but fuck me if it has anything to do with anyone having an iota of enthusiasm for you dead-eyed hack cunts. You in particular, you pudding bowl of fuck all! ‘Middle-class lefties’? I know you’re desperate for a shag with the Daily Mail but get a room. You are going to get in, and you, a Labour government, a fucking Labour government, are gonna sell the NHS to your fucking private donors like the bastards you are! I hope you spend the afterlife on the spit next to OJ Simpson, you flabby-faced piece of fuck!

Allison Pearson has also written about the NHS this week, a column in the Daily Telegraph entitled ‘The NHS is killing us – it is an enemy of Britain’.

What the fuck happened to you, Allison? When did you become chief propagandist for privatisation and the most nutso wing of the Tory party? You used to be just some common or garden Joan Bakewell-type liberal on BBC2 doing culture shows, then overnight you transmogrified into a witches’ cauldron brew of Margaret Thatcher, Ayn Rand, Melanie Phillips, Katie Hopkins and fucking Goebbels! Did you have your conscience surgically removed like an appendix? Let’s hope you didn’t have it done on the NHS, or they might have murdered you for a laugh. Although that would have been taxpayers’ money well fucking spent!

Finally, Alan Sugar has opined that: ‘People really like the show The Repair Shop, [but] lately it seems to focus more on sad stories of the owners rather than showing the repair of the object.’

Yeah, people like it, you waste of a fucking half-grown beard, but because you’re not part of the fucking human race but some weird, parasitical rodent by-product of homo sapiens experimenting with sex with rats, you wouldn’t fucking understand that, would you? The reason you’re freaked out about The Repair Shop is that it’s outflanking horrible, dog-eat-dog, cunt-eat-cunt shows like yours! Tell you what, it’d be great if someone brought in one of your fucking Amstrads to be repaired. Naah, they’d say. You can’t refurbish a fucking turd. Heave it in the fucking skip!

A white home counties roadman endures wasteman careers week

11th April 2024

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has spent a pointless week discussing career options other than gangsta rapper.

WAGWAN? Active J is bare misunderstood, bruv. Man has been hexplainin’ all week to wasteman careers muppets, man don’t need no job hadvice, man is flexin’ swag to bein’ a gangsta rapper, innit?

First, Active J gets a bare lecture from hadvisor about getting da good grades in hexams. It woz like da lecture from parentdem, but at school, fam. Blah, blah, blah, hopportunities. Blah, blah, blah, secure future. Man will secure da future by bein’ boss at grime, innit?

Do next day Active J an’ mandem crew ‘av to sit in da gym, an’ hask dem career muggles questions. Man woz like: ‘Wot trainers does man flex?’ An’ da muggle woz like: ‘Don’t you want to know about employment at our company?’ An’ man woz like: ‘No, bruv. You Jordans or Yeezys?’ Him’s ‘ad no idea.

After dat, man went to da library wiv Lady G, coz da hemergency services were doin’ a drop-in ting, an her’s wants to be a paramedic gyal. Oh man! Dem’s were tellin’ gyal all habout savin’ da lives at haccidents ‘n’ ting. Man woz bare ready to hurl him’s Frosties.

Den dickhead Drilla starts bustin’ swag wiv da crew, sayin’ him’s signed up for da harmy, an’ him’s gettin’ a bare Hay-K 47, innit. Man woz super-vexed den, coz Lady G an’ Drilla woz supposed to be man’s support rappers.

Man’s history teacher, Miss Jackson, asked if man woz hinterested in any of da careers. But there woz no gangsta producers, labels or music agents around. Not even Simon Cowell, innit.

Da week woz a bare waste for man coz Active J is still goin’ to be da best gangsta rapper of all time.

But den Miss Jackson sed how da music hindustry woz really hexploitative an’ hunfulfillin’, coz her woz once next in line to be a Sugababe! But her decided to do teachin’ hinstead.

Wot is wrong wiv you, Miss? Da music hindustry only treats you bad if you tunes is bad, heveryone knows dat. Man sed her could be Active J’s support rapper. Miss shouldn’t make da same mistake twice, this is her’s future, innit?