HAVING left Manchester United with immediate effect, the 37-year-old footballer worth £370 million has signed on, it has been confirmed.
After publicly criticising his old job and manager Erik ten Hag, Ronaldo was spotted entering his local Jobcentre Plus office with a view to pocketing some free cash while he pretends to look for employment.
He said: “All I need to do is make it through the interview without mentioning that I still play for Portugal and I’m quids in. Easy street here I come.
“If they ask why I left my last place of work I’ll just say some non-committal bullshit like it was a mutual agreement or I’m looking for new challenges. They might not give me a penny if I tell them the truth that I shat the bed in front of the world’s media.
“Once I tick all their boxes and lie about agreeing to go to potential job interviews, I can look forward to getting a cool £77 per week. I think I’ll blow the first payment on something fun like the new Pokemon games. I deserve it.
“The alternative would be to endure getting paid £500,000 a week for a job I find piss-easy. An arrangement, I think you’ll agree, that would be unbearable.”
Ronaldo has specified office/admin work in his Work Plan, so the Jobcentre has found him a vacancy feeding pig guts into a mincer at 4am or lose his benefits for five years.
