Rooney ponders the nature of happiness


WAYNE Rooney has questioned the nature of existence in a 45-minute speech following a Champions League game.

"We are just hair implants in the scalp of the universe"

“We are just implants in the scalp of the universe”

When asked if he was happy at with his current club, Rooney speculated on whether man can ever truly be happy when he knows the only certainties are death and United winning a penalty when they play at Old Trafford.

He continued: “To achieve a goal, or indeed to score 200 of them, is to make that goal worthless. Especially against a shithouse side like Bayern Leverkusen.

“The inner self is the only constant reality. The material world is a palace of illusions where nothing is true and therefore everything is permitted, as I tell Coleen whenever the Sunday newspapers catch me with an escort girl.”

The club has a history of philosophising, notably when Eric Cantona left the team to wander the East learning Buddhism and practicing his kung fu skills on thugs menacing innocent villagers.

Fans fear Rooney could go the same way as he’s already got the headband.

Veteran player Bryan Robson said: “What Wayne needs to do is focus on the game, give 110 per cent and leave the question of whether he’s a man dreaming he’s a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he’s a man until after the match, or preferably the close season.”

Rooney concluded by telling reporters: “The man who chases happiness will never find it. The wise man sits and waits for the bluebird of happiness to settle upon his finger.

“That said, I fucking hate that ginger twat Moyes for not letting me move to Chelsea.”

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