Sport Headlines

John Terry's Chelsea farewell 'a bit over the top', says North Korea

JOHN Terry's Chelsea farewell was a bit too much pomp and ceremony, according to North Korea.

Rooney to stay at Old trafford as statue outside club shop

WAYNE Rooney has pledged to remain at Old Trafford next season, completely immobile and immortalised in brass.

Athletics ‘too hard’ without drugs

ATHLETES have rejected a crackdown on drug use, admitting it is only the drugs that make running a really long way halfway tolerable.

Incredible success of Newcastle and West Ham explained

FINANCIAL double-dealing may be behind the continent-conquering success of Newcastle and West Ham, observers believe.

Theresa May calls snap FA Cup Final

THE prime minister has announced that the FA Cup final will be played next weekend in the national interest.

Arsenal fans remain on course for record-breaking levels of shattering disappointment

ARSENAL has booked its place in the FA Cup final, setting its fans up for an unprecedented level of soul destruction.

Fan with ‘Wenger Out’ banner sick of Arsenal winning

A DISGRUNTLED Arsenal fan is tired of bringing his ‘Wenger Out’ banner to games that the Gunners win.

Bookies don’t want your shitty £1 bet

THE nation’s bookmakers have told once-a-year punters to refrain from placing their pathetic Grand National bets this year.