Arsenal pays £5.5 million for parallel universe Ronaldo
ARSENAL has signed Portuguese striker Ronaldo from a parallel Earth for the bargain price of £5.5m.
The club, frustrated with the inflated prices of the current transfer market, developed revolutionary new technology to cross realities in the hope of finding one that offered better value.
Manager Arsene Wenger said: “The current system is a scar on the face on football. I kept saying to myself ‘there is no way on this Earth Bale is worth £86 million.’
“Then I listened to my own wise words, and resolved to find an Earth where midfield playmakers are more sensibly priced.
“It took time because on the vast majority of parallel earths the Nazis won the war so Bayern Munich had all the best players and anyone who wanted to buy one of them would be shot.”
He added: “Eventually I found Earth Equitable, where the market is reasonable, where a manager can buy players without their jackal agents interfering, and where Jimmy Hill – that demon in human form – never existed to abolish the wages cap.”
Wenger’s alternate-Earth spending spree netted him Ronaldo for £5.5 million and Italian striker Andrea Pirlo for £2.4 million. He also swapped the Theo Walcott of our Earth for one who can score goals.
Arsenal’s new transfer policy has been slammed by rival Premier League clubs but has been most fiercely criticised by Earth Equitable’s Arsene Wenger who described the current system as a ‘scar on the face on football’ while standing next to his newly-built time machine.